Friday, April 30, 2010

I Want to Write the Line that Sings a Song to the World

I wish I knew what I am doing with my life. At twenty-one years old, I should be nearly finished with college. Instead, I'm working in a pizzeria, trying to figure out where I want my life to go. Once upon a time, it was all figured out - I was going to grow up, be an an amazing English teacher. Since third grade, I'd had this dream. At one point in time, I contemplated journalism, but a most ridiculous occurrence in sixth grade temporarily derailed this dream. It wouldn't be until my freshmen year in college that I would contemplate any other future, any other options. I was SO certain this was what I wanted - to be some revolutionary teacher who opened minds of compelled students to think and to dream to aspire to bigger and better places.

I'm not even sure what changed my mind. In the back of my moment, I still want that. To be an English teacher and to teach and run the newspaper was my ideal dream, and somehow, it was pushed to the back burner. For a while, I returned to the idea of journalism, not as a hobby or a scholarship, but as an occupation. Bragging or not, I have skills - I can lay out and I can write and I can edit and I can take photos and I improved immensely on leads and headlines. In New York City, we visited this small business magazine and talked about breaking into the industry. Right now, I could probably go find an internship.

But I'm not sure that's the life I want. It's exhausting, it's draining, and I feel jaded of it. News writing isn't necessarily easily, and I suppose being able to do it should be something I ought to take advantage of. My adviser, Meg, helped me in my transition from Education major to Journalism; of course there are many perks and I know many authors were journalists first.

Honestly? I don't have the heart for it any more. My love for journalism, while still existent, burnt out, I fear. Maybe I merely need a break of it. Perhaps, teaching English and Journalism is what I need. It would require me having a regular lifestyle - one in which I gave up my current nocturnal ways. Imagining this is almost impossible; I've been living at night for so many years now!

I need a plan, though. Returning to school is my major priority, of course. And I need a better job in the meantime. Even though I like to consider myself a feminist and such a job is seen as backwards, a previously female-geared job, I really want to be a secretary. Oh, pardon me - an administrative assistant. Perhaps it's the SIMPLICITY of the job that lures me. Confessing that I am lazy is not a difficult feat, and I realize, I DO need more initiative. Perhaps finding the job I really want will help that.

Ultimately, my real goal is none of the aforementioned. My dream job is to write. How incredible would it be to be able to live off of my writing?! To write the words in books that girls quote and fall in love. I want my words to touch people, to make them cry, and to resonate in their hearts. To write characters readers want to befriend, don't want to let go of. Most importantly, I want to write and do what I love and touch people and reach out and maybe even change the world, if only one word at a time.

It's hardly a dream, though. My first book is nearly complete, and after heavy edits, I WILl be published. If has been taken out of that sentence. No longer is the matter questionable - optimism and confidence are keys to my success and I WILL be successful.

- Lady Ashlie