Saturday, July 31, 2010

Another 5 a.m. Night

I haven’t done anything with this blog in ages and I honest to God have no real reason – it’s not a lack of ideas, because trust that I spend my pointless days doing nothing but thinking and musing over ideas. Unfortunately, I find myself in phases where I’m without motivation. Unfortunately, I seem to have a bad relationship with my only true passion. I write when the motivation comes to me and sometimes I can go weeks, months without producing anything. Blogs/journals are the hardest for me to keep, because I tell myself I can put it off until later and soon it becomes too far later and ideas and thoughts and memories and moments are gone – lost, fleeting.

It’s no wonder I’ve never finished a novel. Beyond the clear and silly fact that I am afraid to finish one (a fear which is absolutely asinine and I am working hard on overcoming), I find I hit these stretches and then, as if I’m sprinting, I become winded and have to slow and take care of that stitch in my side. Ugh. The worst part is when I have everything planned out and I know where I want to go and how I want to get there and write out but the head to pen/keys just falters.

Just the other day I discussed this with Regina; it’s a perfectionism aspect, I fear, in which I don’t want to write it out and have it come out badly and later have to edit and refine it. I want it right the first time! Facing a chapter which intimidates me is a strong put off, because I don’t want to write something and have it be awful. I just… I can’t. I don’t like it. And obviously, this is something I need to work on. As a writer, I recognize everything needs to be refined and edited and can go through numerous drafts. At the same time, as perfectionist of writing, I don’t want it to be awful the first time. :/

By the end of 2010, though, I WILL have finished False Awakening. Maybe I’ll even write those last four chapters of Guardians, too. Because, dammit, I need to complete these! I cannot just let them sit there, on my harddrive, waiting. :/ The ideas float in my head and the characters come back to me and I miss them. I really do! At work, I’ll muse about Georgie and Dempsey or think of Annie and Ellie and I get these URGES to write. Most unfortunately, I find I have the most ideas, the most desire, the most motivation for writing, when I’m at work. And obviously, I cannot do anything about that. Ugh.

No matter, I WILL find my motivation and I will return to False Awakening and Guardians and I’ll rewrite Backwards Compatibility. I’ve contemplated this short story idea I have and fleshing into a novel. In the act I do that, I’ll have to get in touch with my Writing Buddies and see if we can brainstorm it into something more – it could be fun; I’m already fond of the character of Maverick. This is the worst part of it all – there’s all these other ideas in my head I’ve already come up with ideas for, stashed away on the backburner. And I can’t get to them if I don’t finish what I already have and then I have all these characters in my head! So many characters in my head, all begging to have a voice, for a fleshed out story.

On the bright side – at least I HAVE ideas. I remember years in which I never came up with anything or formed it into anything more. And I would much rather have too many ideas than not enough. An arsenal of ideas and big enough dreams will get me where I need to be. :]

- Lady Ashlie


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